The Wish

I had a bit of an epiphany this past weekend. It may be a little late in coming, but there you have it. This realization came due to a few factors, which I will now list:

1. I just reread "The Wish," by Gail Carson Levine (she wrote "Ella Enchanted"). It's about an eighth-grade girl who is not only not popular, but is UNpopular. She suffers horrible embarrassment after an insensitive teacher reads her essay aloud, which involves her pretending to be a dog and sniffing other dogs bottoms. One day, she gives up her seat on the train to an old lady, and the old lady grants her a wish. Her wish is that she will be the most popular girl at her school. I think most 8th graders wish that at some point, but when you fit into the "unpopular" category, and have been referred to as a dog by the cutest boys in school, I think it's probably what's on your mind most of the time. Her wish is granted, and she gets everyone's attention. The point of the book was that the best friends you can have are the ones who love you for who you are.

2. I got some birthday money last week, and I immediately cashed the check and went straight to the store to get some new clothes. I think I probably tried on 20 shirts and 15 pairs of jeans, and left with 2 shirts that I really, truly felt good about. I went again a few days later and, again, tried on a gazillion things and found a skirt, a shirt and a pair of jeans that I was satisfied with. The next day was Sunday, so I wore one of my new shirts and my new skirt to church, expecting to be complimented and gushed over because my outfit was so cute. I sure felt like it was cute. By the end of church, not a single compliment had come my way and I left feeling like my outfit must have looked ridiculous.

3. I bought a new hat that is a little on the trendy side so I can wear it golfing and on bad hair days, but don't feel cool enough to wear it, so I've only worn it once in public. This is partly because I was told it didn't look quite right on me.

So, what was this great realization I had? I realized that I still care about being popular, and that it's ridiculous and MUST GO. While I was reading "The Wish" I thought back to how much I wanted to be popular in high school, even though I had an amazing group of friends that not only liked me for who I was, but inspired me to become better. I always loved those friends, and I still do, but a part of me really, truly wanted that cute football player to notice me and ask me to hang out with him and the cool kids. That was when I was young and stupid. But now I'm the ripe old age of 32. I spent my birthday money on clothes that made me feel great, but when I wore them in public I still hoped the cool kids would notice them and tell me how great they were. It's ridiculous to wear something for the express purpose of getting compliments, and then letting the result determine your self worth. Yet, I do that on a regular basis. I have great friends now, just like I did in high school. We share common interests, our kids get along, we enjoy each other's company, yet I still find myself getting dressed with the thought lurking, "What will so-and-so think of this outfit?" Even though so-and-so doesn't care. Even though so-and-so has spoken maybe 3 words to me in my time here.

So, what do I do now? I can get dressed with the thought, "How does this outfit make ME feel?" I can go to church to focus on things like how I can help others and what I can learn, and not "How do I look?" I can relish the great friends I have, and spend time with people who inspire me to be better, instead of leaving me feeling bad about myself. I can care more about what my husband and kids think than about virtual strangers. I can be my best self and love who I am. Remember that thing moms say, "If they don't like you then they don't deserve you." I don't think the "deserve" part is quite right, but maybe my attitude should be, "If they can't see past your quirks then you guys probably wouldn't have that much fun together anyway."