You may think suddenly I'm going to go all political. No, I'm still me. I am going to rant about something totally unrelated to politics, as usual. Not that I don't care about politics, or the upcoming election--ARGH, stomach ache, must change subject! I'm referring to the strange idea that there are certain circumstances that excuse tact and discretion. First, though, I'd like to tell anyone who reads my blog that I am not pointing fingers at you, just raising awareness. That's what we do instead of blame, right? Here are a few circumstances I have been in that seem to inspire people to say inappropriate things:
1. Being single past age 21. Here are some things people think are okay: "So, when are you getting married?" Um, what? "Why aren't you on a mission?" I think this was right after a talk by the prophet about how missions were not mandatory for women, or even the best choice for some. "You must be picky!" If you mean by picky, I don't keep dating a guy who spends 3 hours on his cell phone while we're on a date at Dennys, then yes, I am picky. "I know someone that's short like you and he is PERFECT!!!" Like being short means we're MFEO. I was set up with a few "short" guys (not that there's anything wrong with short guys) that had nothing in common with me. One grew up in a forest with an outhouse and had no interest in music or pop culture. Yeah, perfect for me. But he was 5' 6" All of these things were said to me at age 21 and 22, and so forth, until I got married at age 25.
2. Married for more than 6 months and not pregnant. The question so many can't help but ask, but which is totally inappropriate and personal: "When are you having a baby?" Or, even worse, "Is it that you can't have kids?" Another, "Are you on birth control? When are you going off of it?" We actually had a combined meeting at church when we were first married, and the bishop basically told everyone to mind their own business and stop asking those questions. I am someone who feels compelled to answer someone's questions fully and honestly, which means a lot of the time, I give away much more info that I want to. These questions don't even go away when you have a baby. After the new baby is 6 weeks old, people ask when you're having #2!
3. Pregnant. I find myself in this position right now, and it seems like as soon as you start showing, strangers feel like they can butt into your life and start being completely nosy! Here are some things I've heard: "Ooh, I'd let you borrow some clothes, but they would be much too small." "Are you having twins?" "Wow, you looked really tired." "Hey, I was that big at 8 months with my twins, too! Oh, you're at 6 months?" And the patting of the tummy by people I don't know. I don't mind friends doing it, or my 3-year-old, or my husband. But strangers really shouldn't. The other thing that happens during pregnancy is an outpouring of horror stories of every variety. Seriously, do you think a pregnant woman really wants to know about how you were in labor for 48 hours with no epidural because your doctor was a quack? Or about how your aunt's cousin's nephew's wife had her baby in the car during rush hour traffic? And those are the nice stories. How about, "I loved how exciting it was to have a baby. Everything will be great!" (By the way, thanks to those who commented about that on my other blog. I'm excited now.)
I'm sure I could come up with some examples of appropriate questions, but I've been told my rants get too long. I'll just trust people to know what's appropriate.
The point I'm making is, no one should feel they're exempt from being tactful, no matter how big a pregnant woman is, or how old a single person is, or how long a couple has been married without having kids. You should be pretty close friends before thinking it's okay to even broach some subjects people feel like they can ask after you've met once. Just raising some awareness. Maybe I'll make a pin.
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7 comments:
You are huge. Wow, your ankles are huge. It must be a boy, your neck is hairy. Only 2 kids? boy you better get going to get up to 10. Or we could go California style: 2 kids? Isn't that one too many? You are burdening society. Or better yet, I don't even consider people married until they have a kid.
People are so rude, but at least their lack of tact can sometimes provide some much needed entertainment.
No political rants from Rachel? You sure are your mother's daughter :)
You should make a T-shirt that says, "Don't touch!"
A woman in RS told me a few weeks ago that it's a shame I'm not married but that if I don't get married in this life I'll just be assigned to a man in the next life. Like a chore. I scolded her and felt good about it. I don't have a problem with being 33 and single. I have a problem with people who have a problem with it for me.
There is no way people could think you are big, Rachel. You are a tiny little pregnant thing. Delicate as a flower. Tell people to take their opinions and stick them where the sun don't shine.
People can be such idiots!
You have done us all a great public service. Thank you. Every single one of those things happened to me. You should add one more: if someone has MORE than one child at a time, especially if are not a close relative of that person, don't ask "Was that NATURAL??!!" Answer I wanted to give but never dared: "No, it wasn't natural--they are robot cyborgs, actually. Did I ask you what position you were in when you conceieved? I didn't? That must be because IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS."
Sorry, I lost control. This will lead you to make your blog subscription-only, and my invitation will get lost in the mail.
My personal favorite is "oh, you're not due sooner?" as they stare at my belly. Thanks. I wasn't feeling terribly fat today, but now I do.
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